A woman spends months dreaming of the first moment her baby is placed in her arms. Sometimes the months are spent getting to know the little kicker in her womb, and other times the months pass imagining her baby while waiting for an adoption to go through. Whatever the circumstances, I don’t think anything can compare to the actual moment when a mother meets her child for the first time.
Well for me, it wasn’t an overwhelming rush of life-changing love. I thought the little baby was adorable, I wanted to protect her and hold her and look at her. I wanted to feel like I had just been turned inside out with blissful happiness. But I didn’t know this little person – MY child lived in my now deflated belly. She kicked me in the ribs and performed impressive acrobatics on my organs making my stomach contort into odd shapes. MY baby went with me everywhere and pressed her tiny foot against my palm when I rested it on my belly button.
This child they placed in my arms was beautiful. I could see her Daddy in her face. But I was not knocked sideways, my world was not turned upside down. I didn’t feel like a mom. I felt like a failure. Yeah, isn’t that nice? Right off the bat, I felt like I was failing this tiny, precious baby. I was thrilled to have her in my arms, but she could have come from anyone, there was nothing about having her in my grasp that felt the same as the past nine months had. She came to us three weeks early and spent her first day of life in the NICU – would I have felt differently if they let me have her right away? It took us about three weeks of painful, emotionally difficult attempts at breastfeeding before we both got the hang of it – would it have been easier if she never had newborn formula in the hospital? One morning I held my teeny six pound daughter in my arms as she slept. I was wearing a thick robe (it was January) and she was wrapped in her blankie. When I handed her over to her Daddy he nestled her in his arms with ease and said to her, “Oh my, you’re so sweaty!”
I dissolved into tears and walked into the kitchen feeling defeated and useless and incapable of taking care of this child. Chris’ comment was completely innocent, babies get sweaty when they sleep in one position for so long – and he had no idea I was struggling with feeling incompetent. So MY daddy curled me up in HIS lap and soothed me from heaving sobs to quiet tears. While he held my head against his shoulder, he calmed Chris who was watching wide-eyed and concerned for his wife. He hadn’t done anything wrong. And my dad helped me understand that I didn’t do anything wrong either. I had only been a mother for a few days…nothing was going to happen immediately.
Every day that passed I learned something new about Addie. She loved to have her hands on her face. When she nursed she liked to rest her tiny little hand on my chest. I learned how to hold her the way she liked, and to rock her to sleep when she was restless. Every day that passed I fell deeper and deeper in love with her. As I got to know her, she became MY child, I started to recognize the little kicker that bruised my ribs from the inside. I fell in love with her the way I fell in love with her Daddy, spending time together and learning all the tiny things that make a person an individual. And just like her Daddy and I did, Addison and I developed an irreplaceable and unbreakable bond.
I didn’t start feeling like a mom until I saw the recognition on her face when I was around. I started feeling like a mommy when I was the only person in the world who could be what she needed. But now, two years and four months into our lifelong relationship, I am a MOTHER. I will never tire of her sweet, little voice saying, ”Mama, what dat?” or “Mama! Missed You!” or “Wuv you Mama” or even “Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama!” When I finally say, “Yes?” all she has to say is Hi.
That little lump of cute that was placed in my arms on January 13th 2008 has become my friend and my accomplice, my love, my buddy, my teammate, my assistant, my smile, my heart and my happiness. My DAUGHTER. Love at first sight? Not for me. But what we have is even better and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.
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katieOchicago
